I have often been doing some yoga in the morning lately, followed by meditation. While meditating this morning, a thick presence rose up my body. It melted my mind. It made my face scrunch up for a few moments, as if my head was adjusting to the bliss that came with the melting. I adjusted into a blissful state, full of vibrant colors of aliveness. I was set free. I saw how my normal state of being mentally involved with the world, obsessed with how things are going in my life and trying to improve it, was completely gone. I was completely satisfied in every way, and yet the state had nothing to do with satisfaction. It was more like a blissful state with a sense of completeness, with no question of satisfaction or dissatisfaction. I noticed that in that moment my whole life was fulfilled. And it became hilarious to see the contrast between that moment and my usual situation in life of struggling with everything. I sat there laughing.
While doing qigong I was noticing, as I had for the past few days, my mind wanting to control my experience. Specifically, I was trying to “be present” and the effort of that was making a sort of collision in my head between the flow of awareness and my effort. The collision was like an opaque knot of stress in my otherwise clear and calm inner space. I found I could not do anything about it and was frustrated to have it happening again. Then somehow knew I didn’t have to do anything and as I accepted the situation a lightness came over me. I was filled with a white liquid ecstasy that poured into my head. It filled me completely and I stood there giggling in this little inside world of pure liquid bliss.
As I breathe from my stomach right now it is as if I am breathing along with the earth.
Towards the end of my qigong session this morning and into my meditation my stomach suddenly felt new. I was breathing from my new stomach. As it rose and fell I was increasingly located there. A power built up that felt quite new. It felt like my body was being set free, and I was inhabiting it for the first time. The energy rose up and integrated with my heart.
Gary had an uncanny ability to stay on the back of a motorcycle, at high speed, while passed out after days of partying on alcohol, marijuana and speed. I remember the first time he did that. It was 2 a.m. and we were traveling the 20 miles from Fairfield to Ottumwa to buy more drugs. We were going pretty fast, up to 80 miles per hour on the straight parts of the road. When I realized that Gary had passed out I slowed down and woke him up. But he just fell back asleep. I woke him up again and asked if we should stop. He said no, that he was fine. So I kept going. After a few late night trips like this I gained confidence in his ability to sleep and ride. Ottumwa had drugs and strip clubs. Fairfield had Maharishi and golden domes filled with thousands of meditators. They were neighboring small towns out in the middle of the corn fields in Iowa.
I was sitting on the side of a swimming pool, kicking my feet in the water because that’s what the other kids were doing. I don’t know if I was on the other side of the pool from the other kids or if it just felt that way. It was my older brother Rob’s birthday. I was probably three years old and Rob was a year older. Rob was over there with his friends and they were happily kicking their feet in the water together. They were laughing and talking. The adults were with them, my Mom hovering benevolently and smiling.
I was alone in a private space inside myself watching. Interestingly, this space inside myself was quiet and somewhat spacious. In fact, it was like a nice landscape that I could hang out in. But at that moment I wanted to be a part of what was happening and wondered why I wasn’t. I felt I was different than them and that maybe there was something wrong with me that made them not want to include me. These feelings built up until I was in a subtle agony of separation that was to become a major theme in my life. My nice inner landscape was slipping away.
2008…
I was meditating this morning. I began to wonder what in my awareness is truly me. After awhile I was a broad field of consciousness. At the same time there was a compressed little me there, an ego. I saw how the field of consciousness was a pure expression of Being. Then I saw the ego as simply a resistance in me to the pure expression, like a thick, muddy cloud. I felt it was safe to relax, to do nothing, and be the flow of self-referral consciousness. A sense of relief came over me, along with a clarity that spread through and filled me as if I became an endless lake of pure water.
